I love my life. I really do. All the high highs and extreme lows, I’m grateful for it all. I do genuinely feel the absence of security, stability and reliable community. But, when I look at what I do have, I realize, I want no other life but my own.
Two days ago my heart ached as I said goodbye to the constant support, love and friendship that I had surrounding me this past week. I knew as I walked away from the departure gate on Saturday that I was stepping out of a brief moment of abundance, and back into a season of living day by day. And that’s ok. I cried. That’s ok too.
Now that I’m back to being on my own, Ive got myself a zippy little lime green Mazda to play bumper cars with across the island. From here on out she will be referred to as Rhonda, cause she helps me out. It’s also worth stating that I’ve been listening to the same cd of the beach boys non-stop since I got her. With all the training I’ve gotten for this year I think I could have benefitted with the addition of a Lamaze class or a little more yoga, as proper breathing techniques would definitely come in handy on these streets.
I think I can at least take one deep breath knowing that there is no way in the great wide ocean that I’ll be getting my deposit back on this car. Truth. So I can just go ahead and take that pressure off.
Today I was quickly given directions home by a man who somehow forgot that I don’t speak the local dialect. *Insert random expletive*
Rhonda and I made it back home, about an hour later, no worse for the wear this time around.
So in summation: I’m learning quickly. I’m adapting. I’m missing my friends, but still full from the time I had with them. I’m doing my best to stay alive and make a positive impact in the process. I am LOVING my time with Jesus. I am loving this life he has blessed me with. I am grateful for the kingdom perspective God has given me this week and that He is drastically taking my faith to greater depths. I feel very called to be here right now, though I don’t yet know exactly what for. I am willing and available, waiting for God to provide the next step, and that’s not a bad place to be.
An excerpt from a hymn yesterday that’s just stuck with me:
While the world looks upon me
As I struggle along
They say I’ve got nothing
But they are so wrong
In my heart I’m rejoicing
How I wish they could see
Thank you Lord
For your blessings on me!